Raining

Finally you are coming, wrapping inside winds,both of you dancing all your way,
attentively hugging this dry anxious land.You gently and softly kissing the leaves,the flowers,the plants....

I could hear your twittering to them:" here i am, here i am,...."

the trees, the plants, the flowers soaking them self into you, into you, stretching relaxed in your twittering.

How could you insult me?l

You, You, How could you insult me? You know , I know, everybody else know I did not do anything to hurt anybody. I am not stupid,you should know that!

I help you guys goes to bank, post office, rent house, dentist, translate letters .....

because you can't use English,because you are Chinese and I am Chinese born, so I Always try my best to help you.

How could you insult me? I am friendly not because i Owe you guys something. I just feel I have the responsibility to help anyone that needs my help.

I turned away from you portend i didn't hear anything. Not because i am cowed.
I just don't want to get you and I in trouble. Specially you! You still want to apply for the Permanent resident visa, don't you?
If I am kicking a big fuss on that, what will happen?

Yes, that is me again. Swallows all sorts hurts. Do you know when i turns away from you, the same time I could my heart cracking. That sharp pain, stings me all the night.

Now, I am sit here, tears dropping on my key board.
I know tonight i have to asleep with my tears. Curl my self up, recover my heart from the cracking.

I am visiting hell, a thing( or call it ghost)ask:'Where do you came from?"
"A place call 'earth world' in my world"
"Do you know where is here?"
"No"
"Hell, that is everybody call it."
"Hell?" I laughed "compare where i came from, this isn't hell."
"Why?"
"You should go there pay a visit, then you will know."
"Why you not go to heaven instead here."
"you mean the place most of people believe there a god living?"
"Yes, heaven is the place God living."
"I don't believe there is a God."
"Everybody try hard to make the God recommend them, so they can go to the heaven, even us, the things from hell. If you don't believe in God, what do you believe then?"
"My self!"
"Arrogance!"
"If you mean arrogance because i believe in my self, be my self, I would take it as a complement."

"God made this whole universe. How dare you don't believe in God?"
"No, only the people or you kind things who is lost need beliefs, need a imagine thing which is'God'you called, to set your soul on. I am not lost. "

"Do you believe I am go on eat you?"
"I do!"
"Are you frightened?"
"No!"
"Why?"
"Because 'God' watching you!"
"I thought you don't believe in GOD!"
"No, I don't! but YOU DO!"

what is hide behind tipple?

First time had a sip of spirit.
That was awful test! I nearly throw out all my food, i had pour a glass water into my stomach. The next I feel the spirit burns my throat.
I sat down on in front of my desk, think :'that was silly!"
Only a few minutes, I feels the spirit run to my vessels, then to every of my cells. Every where it through, i can see my blood is boiling.

I stand up, went have a bath. Can't believe it! it was , was, was...
Can't find a word for that feeling.

I lying down in the warm water, enjoys the boiling inside my vessels, my cells. Suddenly, I think am I drunk? Is this the drunk feeling?
So I decided to find out. I get out the bath, which I can feel my body one step behind my brain.
I looked at the mirror, asking the one inside it:"Are you still sober? Or Are you drunk?"

I couldn't get to the truth.
I walked round inside the house, feel was so relaxed. But I know my head still working on that drunk or sober business.

I told myself:"I know, this is not drunk, not sober. it is tipsy. If i am drunk i wouldn't care of 'drunk or sober' business. If i am sober, i wouldn't let myself relax, even when i am asleep. All my life I made my tense tight, if i am relaxing, always guilty with it. But now, I am walk round the house, doing nothing, I am not guilty, I am enjoying very much. SO I am tipsy."

The next I figures out why some people love drink, love to get drunk, because this spirit help you drop off the reality, drop off your tense, help you drop off the things you don't want to face it. And without guilty!
So i think response hide behind drunk, then lead to dignity hide behind the drunk.

But I wasn't drunk, from all these think i did I knew i wasn't drunk. I was tipsy!

Tipsy is best,but not for me. Sober is where i belong to.

whose way is right?

someone said his boss very brutal,always must be his way or no way.
I would say, that because the worker round his boss are useless. Because none of them his boss can think worth to discuss with. None of them have the skill, brain can help to solve any issue. because the boss think all of them depend on him what ever the problem is, in fact that maybe the truth.

Most of people get a new job, first is try to warm up the seat, then spend all his time to think have to keep this seat.

.............

true or fiction?

somebody asked me about the stories are true or fictitious?
Well, my part is write. The reader part is think, imagine, feel.
I did my part, the rest is your turn.

true or fiction

colorful

lofty and unyielding character

I may been in hell,
I may starts from a deep pit
you may think i am a ignorant
you may think i am a arrogance

Well,I did my best to claim out the hell
hold up of my spiritual
in a strange world
full of strangers and difficulty

swallow my tears along
hides in some corner lick my wounds
cover the internal injures
brighter then the sunshine i smiled.


lofty and unyielding character
That is what i got.
Lofty and unyielding character
That why i stand on.

Words mean nothing

Wonderful, Excellent, fantastic, perfect,......

How many of us using these words everyday? Everyone of us!

Is really wonderful? excellent? perfect?
NO! Wonderful is only for wondering, never can be wonderful if is exist.
perfect? Ha! nothing perfect in this world. Nothing! That is why every one of us working for, but there is could not never be perfect.

"Hi, how are you today?"
Does he or she really want to know how are you?
No, if you don't believe, try to say this:" Oh, I have some problem need to be solved, My car is broken down,......"

He or she must be think" what is wrong with him? I am not interested in your car broken."


"Nice to meet you!"
how many times you feel happy because you met some one that you are like him or her?
Rarely! Most of us if we not dislike the person we met, we will say: Nice to meet you."

Words meaning bullshit lots of time.

Pear tree flower

My boys

this fish been eat more then 10 people

I think I am doing alright

I think I am doing alright



Where do I come from?

A place far away was my home.



Why do I roam?

For the freedom in my soul

For the dreams in my goal



Cross the big oceans

The journey I have been through

My dear friends

You would never have a clue



From a poverty-stricken place

A starved girl

To come this far

I think I am doing alright



With pride in my heart

My soul will never be sold

I think I am doing alright.

A Tenacious Mother

A Tenacious Mother





Mei was very gloomy because there was no food to fill the children’s bellies. Sometimes she couldn’t even find firewood.



Every year after the harvest the community divided crops. Your share was based on how much work you did. How many days you were in the field and how many people were working in the family. Mei‘s family always got the least because only Shun was working. One person to feed four mouths. Their life was extremely harsh.



Even though life was very hard Mei got pregnant a third time. Mei had to hide the fact that she was pregnant because she was only allowed to have two children. She was terrified of the consequences of not abiding by” Ji hua shenf yu”



In the fifth year of their marriage there was a third baby. This time the baby was a big healthy boy. At last the burden of having a son had now been lifted.



The baby was named Hai. There were now three babies. The oldest was Ying who was three years old. The next was Hua, one year old and then there was Hai.



Mei couldn’t hide the baby anymore. It was always crying and could be heard and seen.

So the “Ji hua sheng yu” officers come to the village. The commune officials had to help the “ji hua sheng yu” officers. They went to Shun’s home and tried to seize Mei and her baby and take them to Jail. They took all the furniture and everything value.



It was normal for the mothers to go to jail. It was usual for the baby to be taken away. What happened to the baby was a mystery. No one new if the baby was taken away and given to other people of whether is was killed. It was rumored that officials would sometimes drown the baby.



The husband would have to find money to organize bail for the wife.

After they took all your valuables, officials would pull down your house so you had no place to live.



The officers came to Shun’s home and asked for a fine 960 yuan. Shun only earned 24 cents for working all day.



In this kind of situation Shun and Mei were terrified. They knew what would happen. In the middle of the night Shun and Mei Ran away. They disappeared when no one could see them. They found they had nowhere to run. What could they do? Where could they go with three babies?



If they went to Mei’s mother’s home the officials would be waiting. They had been to the village of Mei’s mother and told the village officials to seize them if they appeared. This possible escape route had been cut off.



Then where? No where! And then it began snow. The new baby was only Seven days old. The oldest child had trousers were much too short. They have no money to buy new pants for their little girl. So half her legs were outside her trousers. Her legs changed to purple color because of the cold.



The snow got worse and worse, the wind was so strong it cut like a knife. It was razor sharp on their faces.



How could they find a place to escape from the snow? If they didn’t find shelter they would be frozen into blocks of ice.



They continued walking in the snow. They eventually saw a bridge over a river. They scurried under the bridge and hid there.



“The baby is hungry now. Give some milk to the baby.” Shun said to Mei and handed child to Mei.


Mei put down her Hua and held the baby boy.



Then Shun picked up the second daughter and held her close to keep them both warm.



Mei turned so that the baby was sheltered from the wind and the snow. She fed her son. Mei looked at the second baby shaking with cold against her father’s chest. Tears came to her eyes. The second baby had only received mother’s milk for six months when mei had become pregnant again. So little child had nothing to eat since then except flourier porridge. Occasionally it had a little sugary water in the place of real food.



The baby had been a big health child with fat cheeks. But when milk had stopped. She had become very thin. Her face had become like an old lady’s. The skin was very loose and wrinkled because the child had lost weight. Her cherubic face had become thin and gaunt. This child was always sick.



That night had been very had as they trudging through the snow in the middle of winter. It was freezing and windy. The second daughter contracted a fever.



For more than seven hours while they were walking the family had not to eaten. If this continued, Hua’s life would be in jeopardy. Mei thought the child would not survive. She would die.



The oldest daughter sat against her mother’s leg on the ground and said feebly:” Mum , I ‘m cold.”



It looked like the snow would never stop. Where could they find food to eat? Mei looked at her children suffering in the cold and harsh conations. They are starving and freezing. Her husband looked distresses like a lost dog. He looked like a miserable puppy with no idea what to do or where to go. Shun forgot about his violence and he pitifully whined:

“God doesn’t want us to survive.”

Shun repeated

“God doesn’t want us to survive.”

Mei felt bitter inside. She knew she couldn’t rely on her husband. What would they do now? Mei heard it said that China was boundless. Why was there nowhere to go in this vast country? Why couldn’t they find somewhere to escape? They needed to find something to eat. They needed some food for the children.



Right then Mei suddenly remembered that at home they had a half yam bread. She felt regret that she hadn’t taken the yam bread with her.



The eldest child began to doze while sitting next to mei’s leg. She was shaking from the cold even in her sleep. Mei thought about what to do. She said to her husband:” Right now we only have two options. The first is taking the children and go to NE China near Russia. We will have to beg for food all the way, our children are very young and we don’t know if they can survive the weather and be without shelter. We ran away because of the children. If they children can’t survive, what are we doing for?

Another option is to go back home. It doesn’t matter if the” Ji hua sheng yu” Or the commune officers punish us. If we can keep the children it doesn’t matter. They can’t shoot us. If we can keep the children; that’s all that matters. We have nothing to lose. It is better we go home then to the NE. maybe the children will not survive in the difficult journey. I think we should just go back home.”



After Mei had finished talking. Shun said:



“But the officers will not let us survive.”



Shun was cowering in the black recesses of the corner under the bridge. He hugged the second daughter to his chest and shrank into the darkness as he was talking.

Mei said;” I know it will be difficult, but we don’t want our children to die from the cold or from the starvation. All that matters is that our children survive and that we can keep them and that they are not taken away by the government officials.” Mei did her best to encourage her husband.



“Alright, let’s go then.” Shun said.

Mei said” Come on then. You carry two little children and I will take the oldest daughter. We can swap later.”



Mei knew she had to carry her oldest child ad she was freezing, tried and weak with the hunger. They climbed up onto the bridge and headed back in the snow. They trudged along laboriously.



Finally they returned to their village. Life continued as before. But something had changed. The officials came to their home almost immediately and demanded they pay the fine.Mei didn’t argue with the officials. She had only one thought that dominated her every moment---nobody was going to take her children away from her. The officials left because they knew they were wasting their time.



Few days later Shun finished work at dinner time and demanded of Mei.



“Get me a bowl of water.”



Shun was then silent for a long time. Occasionally he opened his mouth as if to speak but nothing comes out. Finally he said:



“Somebody has told me that a family from another village had third baby and that baby has been taken away.”



Shun stopped talking. He hesitated. Then he started again.



“The officers got help from the local police. At night they had taken the baby and the mother away. The mother came back after three days but the baby had never returned. The mother had been paralyzed from the torture although she was still conscious. She had returned home and stared looking for her baby. But of course she could not find it. Eventually she went insane with despair.”



Mei was sitting on the bed that was made from mud bricks, nursing the youngest child. She couldn’t say anything. She was shocked with the information that Shun had given her.



She sat silently for a long, long time. She was speechless”. Eventually she said:



“Don’t worry. We will block the door. No one will be able to come in during the day time. At night we will bring the shovel and the axe and out them near the bed. If anyone comes in during the night, we will kill them.”



Shun finished his dinner and then said to Mei:



“I will look after the children. You have your meal.”



The two daughters were asleep. She put them on the bed and pulled the blanket up to keep them warm and safe. She went to have her meal. Her hands were trembling with fear and tears were drop into her bowl.



It was time for the Spring Festival.( Village people call” NEW YEAR”) There were a lot of people in Shun’s old broken house. The villagers wanted to see the fun. The officials had come to ask for money. The villages knew that the officials would find nothing and they wanted to see what would happen.



One if the officials said;

“You have to pay the fine 960 yuan before 23th of December. If you don’t pay the fine, we will pull down your house.”



Mei looked at her husband who was squatting in the corner with his head bowed. She knew that she would have to deal with the officials. She said:



“You are an officer. You get paid a salary by the government. We are simple villages. We earn a little food through hard work laboring in the fields. It is worse in our home because there five people to feed but only one person can work. We don’t have any money. How can we pay the fine? 960Yuan! A high skilled carpenter can only earn 28 cents a day. Shun is a simple laborer. We can never have never pay this fine. You can see that we don’t have the money.”



Zheng shu li was a high ranking officer in the “Ji hua sheng yu”office. He was very angry. He slammed his fist on the table in Shun’s house. He Said:



“We don’t care if you have the money or not. We don’t care if you are starving. You have broken the law. This is all that matters. If you go out stealing, looting or killing people to get the money; we don’t care. We just want the money. It doesn’t matter to us where the money comes from. But you must pay the fine. If you don’t we will pull down your house. Everybody else will celebrate the New Year but you will be starving. You face famine and despair.”



The villagers were watching this happen. They showed no sympathy. They all had come to watch. Life was generally very boring and difficult. Life was just surviving; working and surviving. This incident was something different. It would keep them entertained for a short time. It would help them keep their minds off their hungry bellies.



While they were watching some of villagers thought to themselves



“What is going to happen now?”



They new that in the past Shun had always been violent and aggressive. They watched with bated breath. Many of them gloated over the family’s misfortune.

They knew it was obvious that Shun couldn’t pay the fine. Nobody in the village could pay this mount money. Let alone the hapless Shun.



Mei screamed at Zheng shu li:



“Are you a government official? If you are then what you have just said is encouraging. We never knew that we could do these things before------Stealing, looting and killing. If you only care about the money and don’t care where the money comes from then that is good. I will discuss this with my husband. Maybe tonight we will go to your home; stealing and looting from you. If anybody tries to stop us we will kill them. Tomorrow morning we will pay the fine. What do you think?”



Zheng shu li said;



“Why do you talk like this?”



Mei Replied;



“You are pushing us down this road and we have nowhere to turn.”



Zheng shu li became extremely upset and angry;



“You are completely lawless!”



He was shaking his fist and had lost his dignity. It was not right that a woman should talk to him in this way.



Mei said:



“What? Completely lawless! If you push a rabbit too much then the rabbit will bite you. We are people and you have push us into a dead end. Today, you officials and villagers, I will give my word here. If anyone tries to tyrannize us, to remove our children or burn down our house, my husband will kill them. We have got nothing to lose. If you don’t believe me then I dare you to try. Everybody knows my husband is called” Half baked”. I don’t have to remind you of this. You know he would do what we have to do, even kill someone.”



During that time Mei looked out the window and she saw that officials had brought trucks and ropes to pull down the house. The rope had already been attached. She knew that just one word from the officials would result in their house being destroyed.



Mei got even angrier. She screamed at her husband;



“Get Up! Don’t squat there! Pick up the metal bar and go guard the door. If we get killed inside our house it doesn’t matter! There are villagers and officials inside woith us. If the house gets pull down we will all die together.”



So Shun picked up the bar, closed the door and stood on guard. No one could get out.



Zheng shu li became dejected. He knew that Mei would not give up. He knew that he could not win as Mei had nothing to lose. He walked away with other officials following behind him. The villagers were shocked. They never thought that Mei , A woman, would ever have the courage to stand up to the officials like this.



The villagers became wary of Mei and Shun. They knew that she would stand up and fight for her children and her property. They knew that Mei and Shun were capable of revenge. They would show more respect for them in the future.

WAR !

Hi Lica girl.

Yes, I saw the baby you are cuddling

But, age 14, I still think you are a girl

Although you are a Mum

But you don’t know

Who is your baby’s father.



Maybe the one

Who had a scar cross his face?

Maybe the one

Who had one eye?

Maybe the one

Who only had one ear?



Yes, your baby same as you,

Never had a chance to know

Who is the father!





Oh, only one night

One night, only enough time

To Have a dream.



That was a big evening –

Harvest celebration evening.



I heard guns shouting

People shouting,

Kids crying…

I thought it was just a dream

but this dream was too long

When I wake up again

I saw the bright sunshine

I am lying on the ground

Without my yellow dress on

Blood cover half my leg

I realise it was not a dream.



I've been pulled out of my hut,

Mum’s screaming

Fires burning in the all the crops

Neighour's been shot

brother's been taken away

Men jump on me,

one after another





It was not a dream.

I crawled back to my home.

No, it can't be

can't be I get lost

The place I called home for 13 years

Now is not there!

My hut not there!

Who, who is lying near the

burned ground?

Oh, Mum. Mom!

"Wake up! Please!"

Mum, you always keep us clean.

Why are you lying on the floor?

You hold my yellow dress

You did try to protect your girl.

But the bullet stopped you.

Mum you love to be neat, clean,

but why you have so much blood?

What ever I wiped, it just keeps

coming out?



Mum, why? Why?

Only one night

Only take one night.



Make me homeless

Brother been taken

to fill up their lost

Mum get shot

From trying protect her kids

Mum, you don't stop bleeding

Because you want to show

Your blood to this bright sunshine

To this world...

life start from kitchen

Life Start From Kitchen





This is my mum’s kitchen from 1985 till 2005. It served Mum for 20 years.





After school each day, Erya put water inside the steamer and washed it. I’d start to feed the chickens and a pig.

“Sister, come help me move this steamer to the kitchen.”

After the steamer was full of water every day, it was so heavy. Erya and I would lift it up side by side and move it to the kitchen. My sister would put five corn breads inside it and start a fire underneath.



“Mum, outside there is a man selling fried sticks. Can we buy some?”

My brother, sister and I ran into the house. Our mum stopped work on a cloth near the porch.

“No,” she said. “You know we don’t have any money for snack food!”

“But Mum, you never buy any snack food for us. Other kids can have snack food all the time…”

“I know, but we are poor. Not the same as others. Be good. Stop demanding snacks.”

We all shut up. We knew this was the end of it, whatever we demanded.

“Mum can you keep three eggs for us to eat instead of selling all of them?”

“No, there are only 22 eggs. If I sell them,” Mum said, “I can buy pencils and paper for you to study at school!”

“But it’s almost a year now since we last ate an egg,” we continued demanding.

Mum’s hand stopped placing the eggs into the basket. But only a little while. She continued again, her hands trembling a bit.



One summer the lady next door saw Erya and I sitting near the gate, peeling the leaves from sesame plants. After peeling and putting the sesame under the sun, it would dry and crack easily, so we could get the seeds out.

She turned back and brought us a cucumber. Erya looked at me and I looked at her. We knew we were not allowed to take anything from anybody. Mum would be cross with us if we did.

We both shook our heads and said “Thank you! But Mum won’t let us!”

She sighed, put that cucumber on a stool inside her fence and walked to her field. Erya and I swallowed, then continued peeling the leaves. But we couldn’t take our eyes off that cucumber. We felt dangerously tempted, so both went inside our gate and locked it. We walked around the yard. But that damn cucumber was just in front of our eyes. However we tried to forget it, nothing worked.

We looked at each other. No word was needed. Both of us ran to the gate and opened it.

Erya stood there watching out for people as I stood on a stool and jumped the fence. I grabbed that cucumber and quickly climbed out. In my /panic), my pants tore a bit.

Once I got out, Erya and I ran back home. Hiding behind the crops store, we shared that cucumber, half and half. Both of us were really satisfied. We hardly ever had anything to eat, except corn bread.



We went into the house. It was time for cooking lunch. Mum was patching clothes, as always.

“What is on your mouths?” Mum asked.

“Nothing!” Erya and I both quickly wiped our mouths.

“Nothing?” Mum’s face started getting longer.

“Nothing!” I said.

But Erya said “we have eaten a cucumber!”

“Where did it come from?” Mum was standing up now.

“We, we took it from Lady Hong’s yard,” muttered Erya.

“You! You! What did I tell you?” Mum’s faced started going red.

“Never, ever take anything from anybody,” we both muttered.

“Now, you are even stealing!” Mum grabbed the broom and started hitting my bottom, and then my sister’s. After that, Erya and I couldn’t walk for at least three days. For a long time I thought that everybody else could use their feet and legs to walk, but only Erya and I used our bottoms. If not, why couldn’t I walk after Mum hurt my bottom?



What? Do I hate my mother? No, never! Because after she had finished the violence, she was crying too. That silence and her crying really made me feel that she was much more hurt than us.

--------

In winter when it snowed four times making all the yard slippery, we had a Festive feast one evening. Mum and Dad sat inside making dumplings. My sister and I sat out in the kitchen looking after the fire.

“I think the meat should be cooked,” Mum yelled out from the house. “Stop the fire!”

We stopped the fire and sat closely together.

“Erya,” I said, “tonight I’m going to eat a chicken leg. If Mum gives me one leg I won’t ask for any more!”

“Me too! I want to have a bowl of pork dumplings too.” Erya’s mouth watered.

“Yes, I still can remember the taste of meat from last year’s feast.”



Outside it was snowing again. We sat dozing, then heard Dad yell out “Bring the meat inside the house. It is time for dinner.”

Erya and I woke up. Standing, we found our feet were numb from the cold. We shivered, stamped our feet and rubbed our hands for a while.

“Ready?” I asked Erya. Because it was meat stew, Mum had put very much water in, so the wok was very heavy. I was to hold one side and Erya the other. We would lift and carry it to the house together.

“Yes!” she answered.

“OK, go!” I said.



As we moved across the yard it was so slippery. A thin layer of snow was now on the ground, which was even worse. We had to move very carefully.

“Sister! Ah…” Erya fell down on the ground and the wok slipped out of her hands. Next it was me, copying her. All the meat stew was poured out on the ground. The wok cracked, too.



Dad heard Erya’s screaming and ran out to us. Not surprisingly, Dad started swearing at us.

“Two little bastards. Look what you’ve done!”

Mum came out and pulled us both up. “Why don’t you be careful?” she said. “Did you get burned? No? Look at the mess of you, get inside!”

Dad’s shoes flew and hit my shoulder. I didn’t feel any pain, I was so angry with myself. We only ate meat once a year. Now I had completely wasted all the meat stew on the ground and the wok was cracked. Mum would have to find money to but another one. Where could she find it?



While Dad continued swearing, I saw Mum bend over, pick up the small pieces of meat and put them in the cracked wok. Some were full of mud, because the hot stew melted the snow and ice on the ground. Erya and I both walked to Mum and helped her pick up the small meat pieces.

“It’s alright,” Mum said. “After we wash the mud off, we will still have meat to eat!”

I stood in the snow, tears coming.



Life started from the kitchen, in Mum’s kitchen. That’s all she had. Corn bread was always on the dining table, water and sometimes salt radish. That lasted for almost 15 years.



Mum, today I sit here and write this and my tears come again.



Thank you, Mum! I have never forgotten what you said: “Never, ever take anything from others.”

growing pain

GROWING PAIN

I couldn't get relaxed. I tried cooking, listening to music, turned on the TV, had a glass of wine, none of them worked.

My 16 years old son, Brian, left home two weeks ago. We had a big fight. I couldn't believe all these years we've been bound together, taking care of each other, remaining the best, the closest friends, but it ended up with a big fight. All because I think he is too young for hooking up with some bar girl.

I put on my coat, beanie and a long scarf. I needed to get out of there just to much of Brian in the house. As I opened the door a big gust of wind blew on me.

Outside it was cold, snowing.

Before Brian left home he always cooked dinner on snowy days. Most times it was mashed potato with thick beef stew. He always said

"Mom, have one more bowl of beef stew. It will keep you warm and stop wrinkles on your face" with a cheeky smile on his face.

Since he was 13. He learned how to do if from the internet. He never missed one snowing day..

“Hi, Sara is that you?" somebody called out

"Oh, Hi." I can see a man running towards me from across the street

"Sara it is you! How are you?" I as he gets closer, closer, I figure out its Mike, he was my partner for five years

"Fine. How come you are here? I thought you moved to another State?" Very surprised to meet him after no contact for a year.

"I'm here doing a bit of business. Do you want to have a cup of coffee with me?"

I was going to say no, but what else to do, walk alone in the snow like a lost dog?

"Yes, a cup of coffee is good!" I try to cheer myself up.

As we sit down in the warm cafe Mike asks me "Sara, what's the problem?" He spoke through the steam.

"There is no problem!" I protested.

"Oh, Sara, come on. Don't forget we were together for five years. I know there is some problem." Mike said.

Yes, after Tony died Mike moved in with us. Brian was happy with him. They went out camping, fishing, played football at the local park. The three of us were happy together. Until the end of the year. Mike had been cut out from his work. He started to get emotional, started staying in the pub every night, started to come home drunk.

"Sara, how is Brian?" Mike's voice again.

"Brian. Brian..." My tears come out. Although I did try hard not to let them...

"What's happening? Sara, tell me! Where is Brian?" Mike started worrying. His voiced raised, very high.

So I told him what had happened.

Mike much relaxed now. Yes. He was even smiling.

"Don't be silly! Brian is a steady boy! He knows what he is doing. Maybe he is just curious about girls, sex, all the things boys do..."

"But the girl is a bar girl. What good will she do for Brian? Teach him to drink? Or sex? For God's sake, Brian is only 16. Honestly, I'm worrying that Brian may catch a disease from her. I know who she is. She stays at the local pub every night. She goes out with all sorts of men.

"Sara! Sara! Mike held my hands from across the table. "Calm down Sara." Mike looked into my eyes.

"Do you remember what happened a year ago? The night before I went to hospital?" Mike asked me.

Of course, how could I forget? The most violent night! I pulled my hand back.

That night Mike had been the same as was now usual for him. He'd gone out “to have a drink", that's what he'd said after dinner.

Brian and I went to bed about 10pm.

I heard a big noise from downstairs so I ran down and found Mike standing outside the front door, yelling

"Sara! Open the door!" "Sara you bitch, open the door!"

I understood Mike was drunk again. As I opened the door for him he pulled my hair and dragged me to the kitchen.

"Bitch, are you going to kick me out too? You bitch!"

"Mike, please don't hurt me! I thought you had your key with you... I didn't know you didn't take your key with you. Please Mike! Don't hurt me, Mike!"

Mike punched my face, my head.

"Make me a cup of tea! Bitch!" Mike stopped his violence and tried to sit on a chair but he was too drunk. He fell off the chair. He started swearing, broke a glass, a plate.

I was so frightened. I sat on the floor, sobbing. Mike grabbed my hair, pushed my head down, tried to push my face into the broken pieces of glass.

"Bitch! Don't you dare try to kick me out, too! You bitch..."

I was screaming “No, please! Mike, please! Please, no..."

"Let my mum go! Let my mum go!" Brian's voice.

"Oh, Brian! What? Are you going to fight with me? Come on. Let's fight man to man..." Mike left me clumsily walking over towards Brian, grabbing a knife from the bench.

Brian held his old cracked baseball bat, stood on the third stair.

"Brian, run! Please, run, he is going to kill you!"

I was so scared that Mike would stab my Brian. As a mum. I couldn't protect my boy! I was so desperate.

Bang. Bang. I heard.

I saw Mike slowly, slowly fall to the floor. Brian had hit him with the baseball bat.

"Oh, Brian. You killed him! You killed him!" After the shock I crawled over to Mike. The broken glass cut my legs. I could feel the sharp pain. But I was terrified.
Brian killed Mike! I gently tapped Mike's chest, said in a panic "Mike, wake up! Wake up! Please! Wake up please! "

Brian walked to the living room. I heard him on the phone:" Ambulance, Please!.......Number 78 William Street.............Phone number 2704......"

" Ar--------" I was screaming out as Mike pulled my hair. He had woken up. The first thing he did was pull my hair, try to bang my head on the wall.

Bang! Crack! Almost sounded at the same time.

Brian ran back, hit Mike's arm with the bat again.

"Arrh.." Mile yelled like a stuck pig. Now he had his arms together, rolling on the floor, yelling: "Arh.. You bastard! You bastard! "

The knife, we forgot the knife still lying beside him. Mike got it. He was going to stab Brian's leg.

"Brian! Knife! He's got the knife! Brian!" As I was screaming I saw the bat draw a circle in the air then hit on the back of Mike's head.

Silence.

Silence.

"Brian! You are bleeding! Oh, God!" I tried to touch Brian's bleeding leg. He took a look and said

"Don't worry! Only a scratch from the knife!"

I looked at Brian. His face was pale. His hands still held the bat very tightly.

Brian quickly gathered himself together, walked out of the door. Soon he was back, holding a rope. He bent over and started to fasten Mike's feet together.
Then he pushed him over and tied his hands to his feet. Now Mike was like a triangle, hogtied. Then Brian placed Mike on his side.

Brian came to me and said "Mum, everything is going to be ok! Now I'll help you get on the sofa. Then I'm going to call the police. Everything will be fine, trust me!"

He helped me move from the floor to the sofa. Placed a blanket on me.

I could see him on the phone. Brian. He was my son but now my son has to protect his mother. I realised how tall he was, his shape just like Tony's. Suddenly my heart, my stomach tied in a big knot. Is Mike still alive? Or dead? If he is dead my Brian might have to go to jail? No! No! What can I do? I'm too scared to check him again. I just pray in my heart "Please God, let Mike be alive."

"Mum, police will come and the ambulance will come, too. We are going to be okay. Look at you. Let me check your face. Your legs are bleeding too. Mum, stay still, I'm going to get the First Aid Kit."

"No, Brian, please don't leave me alone here." I freaked out.

"Shh. Shh. Ok. Ok. I'll stay with you." Brian held my hand. Sat on the floor.


At the police station we were questioned individually. I was finished very quickly. So I sat on a chair waiting for my Brian.

A policewoman put a cup of coffee in front of me. I tried to pick up the cup, have a drink, maybe the coffee will help me stop the nervousness.

But I spilled it.

I don't know how long I had been waiting. It seemed to me like it had been a life time. Then my Brian, my son, comes. A policeman behind him. Brian looks pale.

His sleep wear looks like it's been soaked in water. As Brian walks towards me I want to run to him, give him a hug. I couldn't. My legs weren't moving.

"Look at the mess on you ,Mum." Brian saw the spilt coffee on me.

"Let's go home Mum!" Brian placed his arm on my shoulder. I looked at the policeman. He nodded his head, said

"You have the best young lad! Mike is alive! Brian and you are clean! Go home, have a rest!"

"Sara, Sara....." Mike drags me back from the memory.

"Oh... Yes, what?"

"Do you know what happened when I was in the hospital?"

"No. What happened?"

"Brian visited me the third day. He walked in and placed an envelope on my bed and said

"Mike, thank you for the last 5 years. You loved me as a son. Thanks for all the good things. Here is $500 from my casual work and I sold my laptop. Not much. But maybe it'll help you a bit. I packed your stuff together and put it in a luggage locker in the train station. The key is inside the envelope."

He walked away. At that moment I knew I could never have him and you again. He is a calm kid. He knows what he is after."

The light in Mike's eyes got dim, dimmer.

As we sat there in silence an old man in a wheel chair came to us.

"Hi Sara, how are you darl?"

It's Peter. When I was a nurse he was hospitalist for a while" You look much older, darl." Peter, joking.

"Thank you old Peter. You can still remember me? Now you sit in that thing!" I joked back.

"Do you mind old Peter joining you?" Peter asked, his eyes looking to Mike.

"Please do. I'm Sara's friend Mike. Nice to meet you." Mike said.

As the three of us sat naturally the subject came back to my son Brian again.
Peter learned that my Brian fight, leaving.

"Sara, did I tell you, I was an idiot when I was a teenager?" Peter said.

"No. You told me you were a hero from the Vietnam War."

"Well I tell you now. I was a bad boy. I hung out with some street boys. We fought, we smuggled, we smoked marijuana, we were thieves. I was in and out of prison a few times. One day, when I got out of prison I had no money, no food, nowhere to go, all the 'friends' had disappeared. I decided to go back to Mum's place, get some food, some clothes at least. Mum's place hadn't changed much since I left. I didn't want anybody to see me so I sneaked in the back way. Inside I heard Dad complaining to Mum

"I saw the money you put in Peter's room. What's that supposed to do? He's a bastard through and through."

"Don't say that about your own boy. He's not a bastard. He is only a confused kid. He'll wake up sooner or later and will have a decent family with a couple of charming kids." I saw Mum sit on her chair beside the fire, knitting a jumper. I carefully sneaked out with the money Mum had left in my room and a bag of clothes. From that day on I never did any bad thing. Soon I found a job in a fish market. A trolley boy for 2 years. It was a hard, dirty job but I never thought to give up because my Mum believed her boy would become a decent man, would have a decent family with a couple of beautiful children. Later on I married. Had two beautiful girls. I felt it was time to show my Mum her boy did become a decent man, have a happy family. So I took my wife Amanda and my girls back to Mum's place. At the local shops I decided to buy something for Mum so I stopped in at a cake shop. Old John. Still the Old John there! As I greeted him he said to me, in surprise

"Oh, Peter? Ratbag Peter?"

"Yes, it's me. Please meet my family." I said

"Wonderful, wonderful! Your Mum is going to be overjoyed."

"I hope so. I think Dad will be happy too."

"You don't know, Peter?"

"Know what?" My heart started dropping.

"Your Dad passed away 3 years ago. Now only your Mum is living there. She came to the wool shop next door, bought some yarn yesterday. She stopped by, said she is going to knit a jumper for you. Even though you never came back home since you left she still believes you'll be back someday and you're going to need some warm clothes." Old John ignored a couple of customers and kept talking.

We get to the home. I pulled the key out from under the angel statue. We walked in. Somehow it felt cold. Too cold! I called out "Mum", "Mother! It's Peter back!" but there's no answer. The cold feeling became heavy. In the living room I saw Mum sitting on her chair with her head hanging down on one shoulder. A blanket on her knees. That was the blanket that wrapped me when I was a baby. On top of that was a half finished jumper, her hands still on the knitting needles. Yes, my Mum had gone."

Peter had forgotten to drink his coffee, left, cold, on the table.

"Excuse me. I must go, now." I jump up, drag on my coat, walk out, and leave Mike and Peter in an astounded state.

I have to go back home now. Maybe I should put some money in Brian's room too. Two weeks. Where would he get food? Where would he stay for the nights?

I can see there's a light inside my house. It's Brian? He must be back! But quickly I think, maybe I just left the light on.

I'm so nervous! I dropped the key on the step a few times before I can open the door. I can smell Beef Stew. I told myself "Calm. Calm.", put my right hand on my heart, it feels like it will jump out any second. I stamp the snow off my boots, walk in.

"Mum. Go wash you hands. When you come back dinner will be ready." Brian is placing a plate on the dining table.

"Mum, after school I'll be at Bob's shop helping out everyday. Most of the weekends I'll be working in the vege market. So I won't be home much. Are you alright with that? Brian holds his spoon in the air, near his mouth.

"Yes, sure, but don't you want to go to uni anymore?"

"Of course I do, Mum. That's why I take two jobs. Get ready for uni in finance." Brian grabs a tissue.

"Brian, you don't have to work so hard! Mum's still got some savings. I can help you with the fees." I said, very slowly, I didn't know how to break the ice.

"I know, Mum. I just want to tackle this challenge myself." Brian said, very quiet.

"Okay. What's Ella say about this?" I tried so hard not to mention that bar girl but eventually I couldn't help it.

"There is nothing to do with her. I have nothing to do with her. We come from different planets." Brian ties a knot between his eyebrows.

I can't stop the bubble inside me.

"Mum, I got some homework to do, can I leave these to you?" Brian stands up from his chair.

"Yes, yes, sure!" I said, very quickly.

"Brian?" Before he reach the stairs I call out.

"What?" Brian stands very patiently.

"I ordered a new computer. It's on special! Can you find somebody to take my old laptop? Maybe some of your classmates would be interested?"

"Yes, I'm sure someone would." Brian's lips pull up, up, that cheeky smile never changes.

I look at him, tall, slim, handsome, a cheeky smile with kindness, tolerance in it. I find he is not a little boy any more. The little boy often come to bedroom and ask: Mummy, can I sleep with you? My bed is wet."

"You wet your bed again?"

"Not me. It's 'Jumbo' did." He snuggles in between Tony and me.
"Oh. Jumbo did this time. What about last time?"

"It was ‘Mark’, the dark did it!" Brian picks up his toys.

"What about the time before that?"

No answer. When I look at him he's asleep already. His head beside Tony’s chest.

When, when did he grow up to be this young man?

Anyway, the stew never tasted better!

oops. was a mistake

oops. i had post the draft of the .

Well, i will try to fix it, before I post other parts.

posion

Poison
“Is this good enough for you Na?” Wuma fastened the last pin on her Granny’s hair, asked.
“Good! Wuma.” An very old lady, properly in her 80s, all her hair white as snow, but
With wet eyes on winkles as daisy’s bud face, answered.
“Na, you said will tell me about those two trees yesterday. Why in this dried grass land have two big trees here? They are so strong, look likes have been well looked after in their early years. You said they were a story. Please tell me Na.” Wuma hold the old lady’s hand, her body shacks like a daisy’s bud dancing in the wind.
“Alright! Go close the yurt’s door tight; put another pot tea on the fire. I heard winds roaring outside. Go to be a cold night! These days hardly have some snow. Let’s cross fingers for tonight.” The old lady was sat with her legs cross, now she stretched her legs out, leaned back on a pile of quilts.

“Na, when you were young as me, here was snowing a lot?” Wuma walk back from close the yurt door, peel her jeans off, and put her legs inside the old lady’s quilt. Sit opposite.
“Yes, back those days, snowing a lot. Big snow! Some times could deep up to knees. Winter could stretch as long as five months. That was real our Mongolia weather.” The old lady sight, take a sip of tea.

“Na, is my name Wuma followed by your name Wuna?” Wuma put some dried horse po.nside the fire. The fire danced with happy sound”zi, zi , pa” that “ pa” sound must be came from burning grass seeds. Wuma’s pretty face is hot read, like an early Autam apple.

“Yes, pity that you wasn’t grew up here, our Mongolia grass land.” Wuna take another sip of her tea.

“What had happened 60 years ago?” Wuma pick up the question that had been lost.
“A woman. A foreign woman. A woman with blue eyes, big high nose came to here.”Wuna’s eyes sparkling through the fire lights.

“Where was she come from?” Wuma’s neck stretch to her Nan, full of questions mark on her face.
“From the place where you lived now.Australia!”

“From Australia?!”
“It was ‘horse racing’ festive. The time was about noon, a strange looking woman among with the crowed people. She was tall, slim, eyes colors were blue, big high nose, and her hair was like dried grass in our land. She had a big back pack at back.
People started whisper to each other; most of us never see a thing like her. We were scared. So most of the people keep distance from her, same times very carious too.’
……

As Wuna talking beside Wuma’s ears, a picture, no, a Movie start in front of her eyes….

The crowed people circle up that woman, few of oldie’s whisper to each other:” Is that woman has anything to do with Bate? “
“Probably is his sister!”
“Probably! That foreign woman sent Bate back 15 years ago, from a place far away called “England.” Is that it? ‘England’?”
“What ever is ‘England’ or something else was a far away place. People said take a month time come to our grass land. “Yunzhu swallowed her lips all go inside ways, looks like chicken’s ass hole.

“That thing was far gone. Right now, is this woman, this foreign woman? Who she is? Why come to our grass land? Does she have anything to do with Bate?” Lagu point out when everybody lost in the past.

“Have to tell Bate, he is the one only can speak foreign language.”
“But, Old Teng ge er Dad would be angry. He hate anybody talk about foreignism. Especially hate anybody talk about foreign women.” Lunzhu warped his running nose on his long lose sleeve He is always have running nose, always wear the same patched nobody can recognize the original colored Mongolia thick grown. He is about 16 years old, his age changing year after year, his knowledge seemly never grow.

“Can’t blame him. He is the most wealth family in this grass land. “Yunzhu muttered.
“Look, look, that foreign woman give candies to the kids. “ Everybody focus on the foreign woman again. She put her back pack on the ground, unzipped the pack, one hand inside try to look for something. A little while, full of candy in that hand pull out the pack. She gives one to each of the children. Obviously, not enough candy for all the kids, because more kids keep join the circle while they see the candy. The foreign woman keep put her hand inside the pack and pull out with candy, then again put her hand inside the pack………At last she opened the pack wide show the kids keep put their dirty hands in front of her. Shacked her head, shred her shoulders. Few of the girls hold her hands point the ‘horse racing’ walked away from the crowed.


The foreign woman did disturb Bate a bit. Before Bate get on the horse, he saw her. Her hair, her eyes, her nose, her skin color, so much of a eye catch among others here. Bate’s heart beeping fast, his blood start pumping. Who is that woman? Looks like from Mum’s world.

As Bate get off the horse, he stare to the crowed look for that foreign woman. Coincidently meet those blue eyes. Oh, god. Bate couldn’t catch his breath. He saw wildness, kindness, lustiness …all sparkling in those blue eyes.

At the fire dance, Bate try the best to avoid those blue eyes. He knows he can’t. He even can feel Wuna’s grudge eyes; he can see his father’s pain anger face. But those blue eyes stuck on him, never move off.

As Bate walk back to his yurt, he can hear somebody is fallowing him. Without doubt he knew it is that blue eyes woman. Bate bend over get inside the yurt, then close tightly. Time pass by, Bate listen attentively, nothing outside but winds roaring. Yes, it is time for spring to start, but still very cold, the milk bucket still frozen on the ground at night. Bate hesitate a bit, and then walk out his yurt. Outside has nothing, but empty grass land. No sight of the foreign woman. Bate sight, walk back to his yurt. There she is! Beside his yurt door way, lean back on his yurt, shaking in the cold winds. As Bate walk close to her, she lift her head. Bate could see the weakness in her blue eyes. Bate bend over pick her up and she quickly put her arms round his neck. Bate could feel her could breath blow on his face. Bate put her down near the fire; go out brought her back pack in.

She gets warmed up, forget her weakness immediately. She put her tea down stand up walk round inside yurt, like a dog walk around his property. She stopped by a base bowl, picked up, and then looks round again. Bate Watched her pour cold water in the bowl, put hot water inside the bowl, find a face towel. Next, she stared peel her cloths off. The weakness certainly gone, she smiled to Bate with victory. Bate can feel his blood boiling, his body burning on evils fire. There is one message come out her, her naked body, her flirting eyes. Bate heard himself roaring, the next he relies that two of them were twist together.

“That was an impassioned sex! I wish you could communicate with me. At least I want to know your name.”
“Bate, Bate is my name.” Bate stopped her hand moving around his chest by hold it.
“Oh, God! You can speak English!?” She sits up looked him very suprisely.

“Englsih English! Last time I spoke English was 15 years ago. Lucky didn’t forget all of them.” Bate lay on his back put his arms under his head. “Ohoooooooooo…….” Howling by some animal.
“What’s that? Woof?” She asked.
“You bet!”
“Is there lots of woof around?”
“Lots of them.”
“How can you speak English?”
“I lived in England in my first 13 years.”
“But you home is here?”
“My family is here. My accents are here, in this grass land. We are Mongolians. But …”Bate Stopped, bite his bottom lips for a while then decides continues “But my mother is English. I lived with her for 13 years in England.”
“That’s why you look so different to others. I felt something unusual about you, didn’t know why. Now I know because you are looks more like white man then Mongolian.”

She stopped talking, lie beside him, put her face under his arm, and stick her nose right in his armpit sniffing.
“What’s your name? “Bate one hand stroke her hair, asked very softly.
“Brenda. Brenda White.”
“Are you come from?”
“Australia.”
“Why?”
“Why?” Brenda thinks to herself. Because I didn’t want to get married? Don’t want to be fasten up with a man I can’t grantee love him all my life? Because I want to look around the world? Because I want to find motivation for my life? Because I don’t want to a steady boring life?

“I don’t know.” Brenda answered honest. “Why you leave England?” Brenda interested about Bate’s life more then her.

“My mother sent me here.”
“Why?”
“There was a long story. It’s too late, better get some sleep.”
“Sleep? Aha?” Brenda said very cheeky, start stroking her fingers
On his skin, start from chest, then going down, down, to his man’s icon, to his crack… At the same time she kissed him from his forehead to his nose, licking his neck, his chest, his armpit, then move to his hand, licking his fingers, sucking, then change to soft bite. Yes, her hands never stopped working at his under. Bate ‘s breath from soft getting heavy then start moaning, groaning….

“Are you still want sleep?” Brenda asked when she takes the chance for breath, now her mouth working on his icon.

“No, I am going to take over you. I am going take over you.” Bate speaks on his Groaning.
“Aha, come then.” Brenda flirting
“Ar………….” As Bate get inside Brenda, both of them were moaning.

As Bate working on her, Brenda ‘s moaning get rapid, her body moved shimmied…..

They were both immersed their sexy world, outside they yurt a shadow standard in the cold winds listening all those enthusiasm’s groaning as long as they last.

struggle

Struggle

Before five, I don’t know any different between my family and others. Till one morning Linda my10years old sister dressed me with a new pink dress, pair new saddles and pair white socks. I have never remembered that I wear any new cloths in my 5 years old life. I know there is something going to be happen. Must be a good thing!

Linda washed my face very hardly when I was inside bath. Now I can still feel that hot pain on my checks. But I am very happy. All are new! Everything on me is new.

“You are going to start school today, Emma.” Linda packing a pink bag with a princess at the front. She put pants in, a hat in, and a lunch box with a bottle……..

“So, I am a big girl now, Linda?” I sat on the chair very still. I refuse to eat my wheat bix I don’t want to make my new cloths get dirty before us arriving school.

“Yes.” Linda now starts packing her lunch box. She always says as less as she can. She never laugh, never cry. Always have a hard face. When everything is ready, she held my hand, we walked together to school. Not far from where we live, 15 minutes I guess. I was very excited; I felt I don’t have enough eyes to see all those new things. I saw lots of kids come out a car with their parents, grandparents. They are all very tidy bright, clean. Now I realize that we live under a different world. Mum didn’t come to school with me like other mum dose. We never had a DAD. There is something missing in my life which I am not quiet sure what it is.

Linda walked me to my classroom introduce me to my teacher Mrs. Smith. Then she turned back to me tells where my lunch box is, where is my water……at last, she hugged me then walked to her own classroom.

I sat quietly at the corner by myself. All my excited had gone. I watching other kids get off their Dad’s shoulder, giggling, kissing. Those parents are all looking so pride that their kids are school kids now.
“Bye sweety” “Bye. Darling!| “Bye, dear. I will come get you after school.”

“Bye, mummy.”
“Bye, Dady”
……………
I sat at corner felt so lonely. Like that whole the world had abandoned me.

Linda came to me during the break. She saw me sit at the corner by myself, sobbing. She walked to me held my hands said:’ Emma, What’s up?
I put my head on her shoulder start shrieking. Linda is all I got! Linda’s Shoulder is so weak compare to those Dads’s.

“Did you wet yourself?” Linda felt the wet from me.
“Yes, sorry Linda. I was scared to tell Mrs. Smith. Linda, I want to go home. Please take me back home.” Shrieking doesn’t stop me talking.
“What are you scared about? Emma, be a good girl. Listen to me, listen to me.” Linda talked to me on the way to the toilet. She got my bag with her.
I can’t stop crying. But I trust Linda. Shrieking changed to sobbing.
“You are a big girl now. Everybody have to study at school.” Linda starts changing my dress.

“Come with me.” After washed my face Linda held my hand walked to Mrs. Smith.
“Excuse me; do you know my sister Emma wet herself, sat in the corner sobbing by her self, Mrs. Smith?” Linda not very friendly, I was worried.

“No, I don’t know!” Mrs. Smith looked at Linda from top of her glasses, she is ready kick up a row.

“Well, I am telling you now. Emma is a shy girl, she is timid. She needs some help to settling in this new world. I wish you could pay more attention to her.” Linda’s talk likes a gun had been pulled the trigger. All the words fried like bullets to Mrs. Smith. I hiding behind Linda, keeps pull her top. I am frightened.
“Every kid is new, today. Unfortunately, I can’t just pay attention speciously to your sister. Young lady, you better talk to me with respect, next time. Now I need your name and your class name. Who is your teacher? You can go now.” Mrs. Smith straightens her glasses up to her eyes.

At lunch time, Linda didn’t eat lunch with me she had promised. When she came out from the principle office, her eyes were red.


When Susan born I was 6. She is a quiet baby. Linda and I both loved her. Life is too boring for us. Now Susan comes, at least she is a change for this house. Mum same as before, Sniffing powder, inject unknown drugs, drunk with all kinds’ man. Then stagger along to her bed room. In a few seconds that boorish laugh would through her bed room door full all the rooms. :”Bitch!” would come out from Linda’s grid teeth.

Linda would feed Susan before we go to school, change her nappy, put another bottle in her cot with her. At the lunch break, Linda always ran back home make another bottle for Susan, changes her nappy, and ran back to school again. After school Linda would put Susan in the stroller push her to do shopping with me. Often Linda asks me to help her fix dinner together.

Linda always busy, busy look after Susan, busy cooking dinner, busy doing homework, busy washing, busy shopping with me at the second hands shop……

Often I see Linda sit on her chair; put all the bills on the desk. Tapping her calculator with a big knot between her eyebrows.

“Linda, do we still have money to buy food and Susan’s milk powder after pay off the bills?” I asked very carefully.
“It’s alright, Emma. We still got food left over from last week. “

I trust Linda, since Linda take over from Mum. We never been live without power, never have empty fridge. Even sometimes only bread and potatoes left, at least they are food.

It’s time for Christmas. I remember Linda went to Mum’s room, pour base water on Mum’s face and Tim’s face. Both of them jumped up naked. Linda pick up base water which is she put there already poured on them again. Linda pushed me out said to me:’ Go look after Susan.”

I heard Tim Said:” Fuck! Fuck! What are you fucking doing? You bitch!”
“Get out! Get out you asshole! “Linda’s voice.
“What do you want? Linda.” Mum’s voice.
“I want to you get out bed, do something for this family. Tomorrow is Christmas! You got three daughters need mother. At least you should do something for Emma and Susan. You should go have look at their anxious faces and eyes.”
That day Mum got up from her bed. She cleans the house, cooking, washing, as we all sat at the table having our dinner. She said:” I am so sorry! I promise I would never touch those things again. I’ll be a good Mother look after my girls.” She even put Susan on her laps.
I walked to Mum, three of us were all crying together. Only Linda sat silence for a while, and then walked away from the dinner table.
That night Susan and I slept very deep. At Christmas morning Susan and I ran to the Christmas tree. There are presents, Susan and I grabbed every one of them. I helped Susan find hers, she can’t read write yet, she is only 4.

“Linda, look I got a skirt.” I yelled out.
“I got a princess doll.” Susan said.

“What you got?” I asked Linda.
“I got a ring.” Linda said.
“Is that from Santa? Does it not spouse from boyfriend?” It was me ask again.
“It is from Ben.” Linda got a boyfriend.

That few days we all were very happy, but the good time never last long. Mum went back to her drugs as Dean turns up.
Lets me account: Dean, Tim, Nick, Phil………


When Susan starts school I did the same thing as Linda did to me. Now, Linda is a high school student. After school I held Susan back home. Susan held Linda’s hand ask:’ I don’t want to go to school any more. Let me stay at home. Please!”
“Why?”
“A boy call Alex said I am a bastard, our Mum is a Whole.”
Second day Linda went to school with us. She walked to the principle’s office.
After School, Linda pulls us together said: “Listen, if any body asking about our Mum, Dad. Tell them our Mum stays home doing house work, our Dad is a solider, serving at overseas. Never tell anybody Mum is taking powder, other wise we will be taken a part send to three different homes, never see each other again. Remember!” Linda’s face harder than ever.


We were sacred. We don’t want being part from Linda. Linda is our sister, our Mum, our home, our world. Our lives couldn’t be without Linda, so we never forget what Linda told us.

Life same as before.
Till one night, I felt Linda in my bed. I wake up ask her:’ Linda, why are you not on your bed?”
“SSH! Don’t wake up Susan. “
“Linda, you are shaking. Are you cold?”
“Emma, you are 11 now, I think you can understand. I tell you, Craig raped me!” Linda’s voice very husky.
“What? Craig raped you?” I nearly jumped up from bed.
“SSH! Quiet!” Linda pushed me lying down again.
“You should ring the police!”
“Emma, listen. I can’t! If I ring the police, then they will know everything. Do you want to we separate from each other? Do you want to be sending some strangers home; we never see each other again?”

“But we can’t let him get off with this. Should tell Mum, Craig is her boyfriend!”
“Mum? Heng! She is a trash! I will take revenge on him myself.” Linda gnashed her teeth.
“How?”
“I don’t know yet.”

Not long after Linda been raped by Craig. Man comes to our home always put mum on dose very quick, then start provokes on Linda. Susan get more quiet than before, her face always pale. I feel that something will happen.

Yes, the day had coming. That night I saw Linda sneak out with Craig. I heard Linda Say:” Ok, I can handle three of you, I want to $500 for that.”
“Who you think you are? $300”
“Deal!”


I ran to mum try to wake her up. But she must use too much drugs, she just keep snoring. I can’t think anybody I can go ask for help. I sat on the floor feel hapless. I looked Mum, she wears the same pajamas with stains on, and her hair is dirty greasy, all tangled up together. Now she is snoring while her daughters need her the most. …

Susan walked in sat with me. She said:” I knew! I knew everything.”
I looked at her, her green eyes shining very sharp in the dark.
I don’t know how long we been sat on the floor. Linda sneak back pull Susan and Me to our bed room. She put a bank card and some money in my hands said:” Promise me, Emma. Look after Susan and yourself. Ben stabbed Craig. We must leave now. I‘ll get a place for us. I’ll come back to bring you and Susan with me.”

“Linda, Linda,” Susan can’t keep Linda by hold her cloth. She went.


Susan hardly says anything. Mum drink most of the time. Hardly any man turns up with drugs now. She can’t get any drugs. Police didn’t bother us too much because Linda is missing. Nobody knows where she is.

Mum get drunk often, she would crying crying crying till she fall asleep.


When I got the first letter from Linda was handed to me by a policeman. Had been four years since Linda left us.

“Dear Emma, Dear Susan. I am so sorry; I can’t do what I had promised to you. Ben took all my money I saved. I don’t have any more money to give him. He starts punches me, kicks me, swears at me. He said I am a whole, just as mum. He used my money to drink, smoke, and buy drugs. Can you believe? He is on drugs too. He sold me to his mate, each man pay him $30 to sleep with me.
Emma, Susan, I am so sorry. I am tried to claim this dark hell which Mum had dug for us. Emma, promise me, promise me look after Susan and yourself……….”



“How she did it?” I asked
“She over dose herself!”
“Linda doesn’t use drugs.” Susan stands next to me.
“We think this was her first time. Ben Green confessed that she stole Ben’s when Ben went out, she injected her self. I am sorry for your lost.” Police man looked at Mum.

Mum’s body shacks b bit then fall on the floor. While everybody busy with mum. I saw Susan walk back in the house.

Mum in hospital, Susan and I stay at home together. We don’t know what to do. There is nothing to do. Susan really worries me. After we got Linda’s letter, Susan never spoke a word.

I decide buy some flower to visit Mum at hospital. Susan nods her head. But she won’t come to buy flower with me. I went by myself.

When I am back at home, Susan not there, she left a note for me: Emma, I am go visit mum, when you see the note, please come too. Susan”

When I am walk to mum’s room. I saw lots of nurse running, police sealed the entire corridor. I start shacking. Intense I know there is terrible thing I have to face, I don’t know how terrible.

“I am Sandra Hood’s daughter Emma Hood. Can I see my Mum?”
“Come with me!” One policeman said straightforward.
There is Mum, she is soaking in blood on a trolley bed, few nurse and doctors push her in running.

Susan walks toward me, two policewomen hold her.
“Emma, I am Sorry.” Susan said with a smile. That was her first smile for 9 years.
“Susan, why? Why?” I am shaking her shoulder. Her tiny body made me feels it is so fragile.
“She killed Linda! She killed Linda! I hate her!” Susan’s face twist with full of hater.


I walk around the house, feel it’s so big, so cold. Before I got Linda, Susan, even Mum. Now I got nobody, Linda is gone, Mum been killed by Susan, Poor Susan had been taken by police.

There is no reason for me to live along in this world. Outside that door belongs to everybody except me. I am going with Linda; Susan will come to us soon. And even Mum. We are going to meet another world. There should not have pain, struggle, sham ness, don’t have to shell myself from others……
I turned on the gas, can feel myself flying, flying, flying…………