struggle

Struggle

Before five, I don’t know any different between my family and others. Till one morning Linda my10years old sister dressed me with a new pink dress, pair new saddles and pair white socks. I have never remembered that I wear any new cloths in my 5 years old life. I know there is something going to be happen. Must be a good thing!

Linda washed my face very hardly when I was inside bath. Now I can still feel that hot pain on my checks. But I am very happy. All are new! Everything on me is new.

“You are going to start school today, Emma.” Linda packing a pink bag with a princess at the front. She put pants in, a hat in, and a lunch box with a bottle……..

“So, I am a big girl now, Linda?” I sat on the chair very still. I refuse to eat my wheat bix I don’t want to make my new cloths get dirty before us arriving school.

“Yes.” Linda now starts packing her lunch box. She always says as less as she can. She never laugh, never cry. Always have a hard face. When everything is ready, she held my hand, we walked together to school. Not far from where we live, 15 minutes I guess. I was very excited; I felt I don’t have enough eyes to see all those new things. I saw lots of kids come out a car with their parents, grandparents. They are all very tidy bright, clean. Now I realize that we live under a different world. Mum didn’t come to school with me like other mum dose. We never had a DAD. There is something missing in my life which I am not quiet sure what it is.

Linda walked me to my classroom introduce me to my teacher Mrs. Smith. Then she turned back to me tells where my lunch box is, where is my water……at last, she hugged me then walked to her own classroom.

I sat quietly at the corner by myself. All my excited had gone. I watching other kids get off their Dad’s shoulder, giggling, kissing. Those parents are all looking so pride that their kids are school kids now.
“Bye sweety” “Bye. Darling!| “Bye, dear. I will come get you after school.”

“Bye, mummy.”
“Bye, Dady”
……………
I sat at corner felt so lonely. Like that whole the world had abandoned me.

Linda came to me during the break. She saw me sit at the corner by myself, sobbing. She walked to me held my hands said:’ Emma, What’s up?
I put my head on her shoulder start shrieking. Linda is all I got! Linda’s Shoulder is so weak compare to those Dads’s.

“Did you wet yourself?” Linda felt the wet from me.
“Yes, sorry Linda. I was scared to tell Mrs. Smith. Linda, I want to go home. Please take me back home.” Shrieking doesn’t stop me talking.
“What are you scared about? Emma, be a good girl. Listen to me, listen to me.” Linda talked to me on the way to the toilet. She got my bag with her.
I can’t stop crying. But I trust Linda. Shrieking changed to sobbing.
“You are a big girl now. Everybody have to study at school.” Linda starts changing my dress.

“Come with me.” After washed my face Linda held my hand walked to Mrs. Smith.
“Excuse me; do you know my sister Emma wet herself, sat in the corner sobbing by her self, Mrs. Smith?” Linda not very friendly, I was worried.

“No, I don’t know!” Mrs. Smith looked at Linda from top of her glasses, she is ready kick up a row.

“Well, I am telling you now. Emma is a shy girl, she is timid. She needs some help to settling in this new world. I wish you could pay more attention to her.” Linda’s talk likes a gun had been pulled the trigger. All the words fried like bullets to Mrs. Smith. I hiding behind Linda, keeps pull her top. I am frightened.
“Every kid is new, today. Unfortunately, I can’t just pay attention speciously to your sister. Young lady, you better talk to me with respect, next time. Now I need your name and your class name. Who is your teacher? You can go now.” Mrs. Smith straightens her glasses up to her eyes.

At lunch time, Linda didn’t eat lunch with me she had promised. When she came out from the principle office, her eyes were red.


When Susan born I was 6. She is a quiet baby. Linda and I both loved her. Life is too boring for us. Now Susan comes, at least she is a change for this house. Mum same as before, Sniffing powder, inject unknown drugs, drunk with all kinds’ man. Then stagger along to her bed room. In a few seconds that boorish laugh would through her bed room door full all the rooms. :”Bitch!” would come out from Linda’s grid teeth.

Linda would feed Susan before we go to school, change her nappy, put another bottle in her cot with her. At the lunch break, Linda always ran back home make another bottle for Susan, changes her nappy, and ran back to school again. After school Linda would put Susan in the stroller push her to do shopping with me. Often Linda asks me to help her fix dinner together.

Linda always busy, busy look after Susan, busy cooking dinner, busy doing homework, busy washing, busy shopping with me at the second hands shop……

Often I see Linda sit on her chair; put all the bills on the desk. Tapping her calculator with a big knot between her eyebrows.

“Linda, do we still have money to buy food and Susan’s milk powder after pay off the bills?” I asked very carefully.
“It’s alright, Emma. We still got food left over from last week. “

I trust Linda, since Linda take over from Mum. We never been live without power, never have empty fridge. Even sometimes only bread and potatoes left, at least they are food.

It’s time for Christmas. I remember Linda went to Mum’s room, pour base water on Mum’s face and Tim’s face. Both of them jumped up naked. Linda pick up base water which is she put there already poured on them again. Linda pushed me out said to me:’ Go look after Susan.”

I heard Tim Said:” Fuck! Fuck! What are you fucking doing? You bitch!”
“Get out! Get out you asshole! “Linda’s voice.
“What do you want? Linda.” Mum’s voice.
“I want to you get out bed, do something for this family. Tomorrow is Christmas! You got three daughters need mother. At least you should do something for Emma and Susan. You should go have look at their anxious faces and eyes.”
That day Mum got up from her bed. She cleans the house, cooking, washing, as we all sat at the table having our dinner. She said:” I am so sorry! I promise I would never touch those things again. I’ll be a good Mother look after my girls.” She even put Susan on her laps.
I walked to Mum, three of us were all crying together. Only Linda sat silence for a while, and then walked away from the dinner table.
That night Susan and I slept very deep. At Christmas morning Susan and I ran to the Christmas tree. There are presents, Susan and I grabbed every one of them. I helped Susan find hers, she can’t read write yet, she is only 4.

“Linda, look I got a skirt.” I yelled out.
“I got a princess doll.” Susan said.

“What you got?” I asked Linda.
“I got a ring.” Linda said.
“Is that from Santa? Does it not spouse from boyfriend?” It was me ask again.
“It is from Ben.” Linda got a boyfriend.

That few days we all were very happy, but the good time never last long. Mum went back to her drugs as Dean turns up.
Lets me account: Dean, Tim, Nick, Phil………


When Susan starts school I did the same thing as Linda did to me. Now, Linda is a high school student. After school I held Susan back home. Susan held Linda’s hand ask:’ I don’t want to go to school any more. Let me stay at home. Please!”
“Why?”
“A boy call Alex said I am a bastard, our Mum is a Whole.”
Second day Linda went to school with us. She walked to the principle’s office.
After School, Linda pulls us together said: “Listen, if any body asking about our Mum, Dad. Tell them our Mum stays home doing house work, our Dad is a solider, serving at overseas. Never tell anybody Mum is taking powder, other wise we will be taken a part send to three different homes, never see each other again. Remember!” Linda’s face harder than ever.


We were sacred. We don’t want being part from Linda. Linda is our sister, our Mum, our home, our world. Our lives couldn’t be without Linda, so we never forget what Linda told us.

Life same as before.
Till one night, I felt Linda in my bed. I wake up ask her:’ Linda, why are you not on your bed?”
“SSH! Don’t wake up Susan. “
“Linda, you are shaking. Are you cold?”
“Emma, you are 11 now, I think you can understand. I tell you, Craig raped me!” Linda’s voice very husky.
“What? Craig raped you?” I nearly jumped up from bed.
“SSH! Quiet!” Linda pushed me lying down again.
“You should ring the police!”
“Emma, listen. I can’t! If I ring the police, then they will know everything. Do you want to we separate from each other? Do you want to be sending some strangers home; we never see each other again?”

“But we can’t let him get off with this. Should tell Mum, Craig is her boyfriend!”
“Mum? Heng! She is a trash! I will take revenge on him myself.” Linda gnashed her teeth.
“How?”
“I don’t know yet.”

Not long after Linda been raped by Craig. Man comes to our home always put mum on dose very quick, then start provokes on Linda. Susan get more quiet than before, her face always pale. I feel that something will happen.

Yes, the day had coming. That night I saw Linda sneak out with Craig. I heard Linda Say:” Ok, I can handle three of you, I want to $500 for that.”
“Who you think you are? $300”
“Deal!”


I ran to mum try to wake her up. But she must use too much drugs, she just keep snoring. I can’t think anybody I can go ask for help. I sat on the floor feel hapless. I looked Mum, she wears the same pajamas with stains on, and her hair is dirty greasy, all tangled up together. Now she is snoring while her daughters need her the most. …

Susan walked in sat with me. She said:” I knew! I knew everything.”
I looked at her, her green eyes shining very sharp in the dark.
I don’t know how long we been sat on the floor. Linda sneak back pull Susan and Me to our bed room. She put a bank card and some money in my hands said:” Promise me, Emma. Look after Susan and yourself. Ben stabbed Craig. We must leave now. I‘ll get a place for us. I’ll come back to bring you and Susan with me.”

“Linda, Linda,” Susan can’t keep Linda by hold her cloth. She went.


Susan hardly says anything. Mum drink most of the time. Hardly any man turns up with drugs now. She can’t get any drugs. Police didn’t bother us too much because Linda is missing. Nobody knows where she is.

Mum get drunk often, she would crying crying crying till she fall asleep.


When I got the first letter from Linda was handed to me by a policeman. Had been four years since Linda left us.

“Dear Emma, Dear Susan. I am so sorry; I can’t do what I had promised to you. Ben took all my money I saved. I don’t have any more money to give him. He starts punches me, kicks me, swears at me. He said I am a whole, just as mum. He used my money to drink, smoke, and buy drugs. Can you believe? He is on drugs too. He sold me to his mate, each man pay him $30 to sleep with me.
Emma, Susan, I am so sorry. I am tried to claim this dark hell which Mum had dug for us. Emma, promise me, promise me look after Susan and yourself……….”



“How she did it?” I asked
“She over dose herself!”
“Linda doesn’t use drugs.” Susan stands next to me.
“We think this was her first time. Ben Green confessed that she stole Ben’s when Ben went out, she injected her self. I am sorry for your lost.” Police man looked at Mum.

Mum’s body shacks b bit then fall on the floor. While everybody busy with mum. I saw Susan walk back in the house.

Mum in hospital, Susan and I stay at home together. We don’t know what to do. There is nothing to do. Susan really worries me. After we got Linda’s letter, Susan never spoke a word.

I decide buy some flower to visit Mum at hospital. Susan nods her head. But she won’t come to buy flower with me. I went by myself.

When I am back at home, Susan not there, she left a note for me: Emma, I am go visit mum, when you see the note, please come too. Susan”

When I am walk to mum’s room. I saw lots of nurse running, police sealed the entire corridor. I start shacking. Intense I know there is terrible thing I have to face, I don’t know how terrible.

“I am Sandra Hood’s daughter Emma Hood. Can I see my Mum?”
“Come with me!” One policeman said straightforward.
There is Mum, she is soaking in blood on a trolley bed, few nurse and doctors push her in running.

Susan walks toward me, two policewomen hold her.
“Emma, I am Sorry.” Susan said with a smile. That was her first smile for 9 years.
“Susan, why? Why?” I am shaking her shoulder. Her tiny body made me feels it is so fragile.
“She killed Linda! She killed Linda! I hate her!” Susan’s face twist with full of hater.


I walk around the house, feel it’s so big, so cold. Before I got Linda, Susan, even Mum. Now I got nobody, Linda is gone, Mum been killed by Susan, Poor Susan had been taken by police.

There is no reason for me to live along in this world. Outside that door belongs to everybody except me. I am going with Linda; Susan will come to us soon. And even Mum. We are going to meet another world. There should not have pain, struggle, sham ness, don’t have to shell myself from others……
I turned on the gas, can feel myself flying, flying, flying…………