Sick

this nasty cough have been last for a month and it still in me.
I feel so awful, that I have to take some days off, guilty! Yes, guilty that I stays home can't even do some house work in time. Guilty that I can't do some studying, or read write...
Guilty That I can't use these few days to cheer my boys more. Guilty that I felt so lazy to cooking..........

I know i have been very hard on myself, I can't let myself waste time relaxing,.
But Life only is limit, if i don't squeezing every minute, then I will never achieve what I have to do.

I am already a bit late for higher education, if I don't do self taught as much as I can, then will be late for ever.
If I don't working hard for my family now, then when is the time? When i am 60?

If i don't try the best to bring up my boys now, then when? Not after they 20s, leave home!

If i don't try my best to support my parents now, then when? not after they too old to eat anything, or after they leave this world!

But I just don't have enough time to all the things.

And Now, I am sick, coughing, coughing,.......

Also I have a hard task lying at front of me, made me feel horrible and terrible. I wish this could be a studying problem instead of this.
I pushed myself out of limit, still couldn't achieve anything. God, everyday i have to push out of limit till I win this.

But how I going do this?

I said, I don't believe in God. If there is a God, he deserve to be sacked. If I see him,, I am going kicking his butt!

Raining

Finally you are coming, wrapping inside winds,both of you dancing all your way,
attentively hugging this dry anxious land.You gently and softly kissing the leaves,the flowers,the plants....

I could hear your twittering to them:" here i am, here i am,...."

the trees, the plants, the flowers soaking them self into you, into you, stretching relaxed in your twittering.

How could you insult me?l

You, You, How could you insult me? You know , I know, everybody else know I did not do anything to hurt anybody. I am not stupid,you should know that!

I help you guys goes to bank, post office, rent house, dentist, translate letters .....

because you can't use English,because you are Chinese and I am Chinese born, so I Always try my best to help you.

How could you insult me? I am friendly not because i Owe you guys something. I just feel I have the responsibility to help anyone that needs my help.

I turned away from you portend i didn't hear anything. Not because i am cowed.
I just don't want to get you and I in trouble. Specially you! You still want to apply for the Permanent resident visa, don't you?
If I am kicking a big fuss on that, what will happen?

Yes, that is me again. Swallows all sorts hurts. Do you know when i turns away from you, the same time I could my heart cracking. That sharp pain, stings me all the night.

Now, I am sit here, tears dropping on my key board.
I know tonight i have to asleep with my tears. Curl my self up, recover my heart from the cracking.

I am visiting hell, a thing( or call it ghost)ask:'Where do you came from?"
"A place call 'earth world' in my world"
"Do you know where is here?"
"No"
"Hell, that is everybody call it."
"Hell?" I laughed "compare where i came from, this isn't hell."
"Why?"
"You should go there pay a visit, then you will know."
"Why you not go to heaven instead here."
"you mean the place most of people believe there a god living?"
"Yes, heaven is the place God living."
"I don't believe there is a God."
"Everybody try hard to make the God recommend them, so they can go to the heaven, even us, the things from hell. If you don't believe in God, what do you believe then?"
"My self!"
"Arrogance!"
"If you mean arrogance because i believe in my self, be my self, I would take it as a complement."

"God made this whole universe. How dare you don't believe in God?"
"No, only the people or you kind things who is lost need beliefs, need a imagine thing which is'God'you called, to set your soul on. I am not lost. "

"Do you believe I am go on eat you?"
"I do!"
"Are you frightened?"
"No!"
"Why?"
"Because 'God' watching you!"
"I thought you don't believe in GOD!"
"No, I don't! but YOU DO!"

what is hide behind tipple?

First time had a sip of spirit.
That was awful test! I nearly throw out all my food, i had pour a glass water into my stomach. The next I feel the spirit burns my throat.
I sat down on in front of my desk, think :'that was silly!"
Only a few minutes, I feels the spirit run to my vessels, then to every of my cells. Every where it through, i can see my blood is boiling.

I stand up, went have a bath. Can't believe it! it was , was, was...
Can't find a word for that feeling.

I lying down in the warm water, enjoys the boiling inside my vessels, my cells. Suddenly, I think am I drunk? Is this the drunk feeling?
So I decided to find out. I get out the bath, which I can feel my body one step behind my brain.
I looked at the mirror, asking the one inside it:"Are you still sober? Or Are you drunk?"

I couldn't get to the truth.
I walked round inside the house, feel was so relaxed. But I know my head still working on that drunk or sober business.

I told myself:"I know, this is not drunk, not sober. it is tipsy. If i am drunk i wouldn't care of 'drunk or sober' business. If i am sober, i wouldn't let myself relax, even when i am asleep. All my life I made my tense tight, if i am relaxing, always guilty with it. But now, I am walk round the house, doing nothing, I am not guilty, I am enjoying very much. SO I am tipsy."

The next I figures out why some people love drink, love to get drunk, because this spirit help you drop off the reality, drop off your tense, help you drop off the things you don't want to face it. And without guilty!
So i think response hide behind drunk, then lead to dignity hide behind the drunk.

But I wasn't drunk, from all these think i did I knew i wasn't drunk. I was tipsy!

Tipsy is best,but not for me. Sober is where i belong to.

whose way is right?

someone said his boss very brutal,always must be his way or no way.
I would say, that because the worker round his boss are useless. Because none of them his boss can think worth to discuss with. None of them have the skill, brain can help to solve any issue. because the boss think all of them depend on him what ever the problem is, in fact that maybe the truth.

Most of people get a new job, first is try to warm up the seat, then spend all his time to think have to keep this seat.

.............

true or fiction?

somebody asked me about the stories are true or fictitious?
Well, my part is write. The reader part is think, imagine, feel.
I did my part, the rest is your turn.